I’d like to hear about just one case of an errant salumi decimating a herd of livestock:

Sausages and hams “are much more dangerous than people think,” says Janice Mosher, an official at U.S. Customs and Border Protection, which seizes about 4,000 pounds of prohibited meat, plant and animal products a day. “Those items truly have the ability to spread disease.” The government is concerned that bacteria from a smuggled piece of meat will spread through the ecosystem, infecting livestock and hurting agricultural production, Ms. Mosher says.

Nothing spreads disease faster than the great tide of unwashed humanity who populate airports. So what’s next? Forced scrubdowns at customs? Soldiers patrolling bathrooms to make sure hands are washed? Scanners for fecal matter?

What the food nazis in customs and the FDA fail to realise is that epicureans are smuggling meaty cured delicacies which have been made in the same time-honoured tradition for centuries and have killed no one except through excessive consumption.

The “meat” in these nazis’ fast-food burgers—which they cram down their gullets while writing up more and more ridiculous rules and regulations—is far more dangerous and deadly.